World Cup Tidbits

soccer

A fresh set of match fixing allegations have Ghana on track to receive the most backlash for staging events since My Kitchen Rules.

Cristiano Ronaldo insists representing his country is his top priority, behind sulking and hair maintenance.

After conceding to Portugal seemingly within seconds, the US responded by netting one of the goals of the tournament, somehow then taking the lead, only to have their star spangled pants pulled down in the 95th and final minute in what must’ve been the mother of all emotional roller coasters.

Meanwhile, Spain, former kings of world football and holders of every major trophy since 2008, say they’re “just hoping to score” in their final match.

Tony Abbott Breaks Promise To Help Out Around The House

trolly abbott

Much to his wife’s displeasure, Prime Minister Tony Abbott will break his promise to fix that busted bloody laundry door out the back by the shed.

One source familiar with the workings of the Abbott family (and most doors) suggested it may even have become as unhinged as the Prime Minister.

Mr Abbott, who just days ago declared a household emergency upon initial inspection of one of the mildly bent hinges, has revised his promise, saying he’ll have it fixed by 2050.

Just getting the socking great hunk of polished wood into a position where Mr Abbott could properly examine it reportedly required the whole family to do some heavy lifting.

“If the bloke who lived here before us didn’t leave the place in such a mess, none of this would be necessary”.

Starbucks Employee Spells Customer’s Name Correctly

starbucks

Starbucks employee Lauren Ashworth deviated from company policy this morning when she used correct spelling while writing a customer’s name on their cup.

It’s a stunning development which the American coffee community is already describing as both a world first and a sheer miracle.

The customer is said to have already been surprised when she was able to identify the script as something vaguely resembling English.

Upon discovering her name was actually spelt correctly too, one bizarrely legible letter following another, witnesses say she was so shocked she nearly dropped the overpriced cup of brown water.

“We usually encourage our employees to write their customer’s names blindfolded with their non preferred hand, so how this happened is beyond me,” store manager Shelly Williams said.

Police have taken Ashworth and various witnesses in for questioning in an attempt to understand exactly how the incident could’ve occurred.

“The customer’s name was Stacey,” Ashworth explained. “Naturally I strongly considered writing ‘Staci’, or ‘Staysee’, or even just a seven followed by several dollar signs and a wild squiggle.”

At press time the cup in question had been placed in a sealed bag and sent off to various laboratories where it’s impossibly comprehensible markings will undergo further investigation.

Obama To Let His Hair Down During Trip to Asia

US President Barack Obama waves from Air

US President Barack Obama is set to begin a week-long, trade focused trip to Asia, where he’ll trade his suit for a pair of boardies, and grow out his beard.

The jaunt will be headlined by full moon parties, hot air balloon rides and general frolicking around on Balinese beaches.

It won’t be all fun and games for Obama however, with business dealings also on the agenda.

“I know a guy who will hook us up with season 3 of Game of Thrones for like a dollar,” the President confirmed in a teleconference this morning.

Major US Companies Competing For Silliest Naming Rights Deal

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Stadium ownership groups and company execs are teaming up to contend for a prestigious award which recognises America’s silliest naming rights deal.

As we near the announcement of the award, the New Orleans contingent told reporters they’re feeling pretty good about their chances.

Earlier in the year they renamed the New Orleans Arena the  Smoothie King Center, after briefly considering The Louisiana Seafood Arena Seasoned by Zatarains (seriously).

Despite a tragically unseasoned arena, New Orleans residents now feel nothing but pride towards their arena’s new name and it’s cutting edge silliness.

In Phoenix, the locals proudly point to the Jobing.com arena, while the KFC Yum! Arena is the pride of Kentucky.

(Yesterday Tonight isn’t making any of these names up, by the way. We couldn’t write this stuff if we tried).

While it’s been a hotly contested battle, this is just the calm before the storm.

A series of documents leaked early this morning, detailing a range of imminent arena deals which are all expected to be completed as last minute attempts the snatch the award.

Proposed name changes include:

Denver’s Pepsi Center to become the Coca-Cola Thirsty? Arena (Okay yes, now they’re made up)

The home of the historically joyless 2013/14 Philadelphia 76ers to become the I’m Lovin’ It Pavilion

Madison Square Garden to become Olive Garden Garden

Other suggestions include:

Have a Break, Have a Kitkat Field

Maybe It’s Maybelline Center

Geico 15 Minutes Can Save You 15 Percent Or More On Car Insurance Coliseum

The winner of the award, to be announced in two weeks time, will receive the Powerade Go Stronger For Longer Trophy, which is also co-sponsored by several viagra companies.

Teenagers Back To Primary School For Quick Refresher In English

primary-schools

Thousands of teenagers found themselves back at primary school this week for a refresher course in basic English, thanks to a program implemented by the Department of Education.

The announcement follows an alarming trend of Australian adolescents losing whatever basic spelling and grammar skills they initially possessed.

Michael Davis, 19, is back at primary school today after being found guilty of committing several crimes against the English language earlier in the year.

Despite his troubled past, Davis said he’s been getting on really quite well back in Mrs. B’s year 2 English class.

“The other students’ are better then I thought, there all doing really good and I can’t wait to get to they’re level,” Davis wrote in a beautifully articulated statement after school, following several bouts of handball.