World Cup Tidbits


A fresh set of match fixing allegations have Ghana on track to receive the most backlash for staging events since My Kitchen Rules.

Cristiano Ronaldo insists representing his country is his top priority, behind sulking and hair maintenance.

After conceding to Portugal seemingly within seconds, the US responded by netting one of the goals of the tournament, somehow then taking the lead, only to have their star spangled pants pulled down in the 95th and final minute in what must’ve been the mother of all emotional roller coasters.

Meanwhile, Spain, former kings of world football and holders of every major trophy since 2008, say they’re “just hoping to score” in their final match.

Tony Abbott Breaks Promise To Help Out Around The House

trolly abbott

Much to his wife’s displeasure, Prime Minister Tony Abbott will break his promise to fix that busted bloody laundry door out the back by the shed.

One source familiar with the workings of the Abbott family (and most doors) suggested it may even have become as unhinged as the Prime Minister.

Mr Abbott, who just days ago declared a household emergency upon initial inspection of one of the mildly bent hinges, has revised his promise, saying he’ll have it fixed by 2050.

Just getting the socking great hunk of polished wood into a position where Mr Abbott could properly examine it reportedly required the whole family to do some heavy lifting.

“If the bloke who lived here before us didn’t leave the place in such a mess, none of this would be necessary”.

Starbucks Employee Spells Customer’s Name Correctly


Starbucks employee Lauren Ashworth deviated from company policy this morning when she used correct spelling while writing a customer’s name on their cup.

It’s a stunning development which the American coffee community is already describing as both a world first and a sheer miracle.

The customer is said to have already been surprised when she was able to identify the script as something vaguely resembling English.

Upon discovering her name was actually spelt correctly too, one bizarrely legible letter following another, witnesses say she was so shocked she nearly dropped the overpriced cup of brown water.

“We usually encourage our employees to write their customer’s names blindfolded with their non preferred hand, so how this happened is beyond me,” store manager Shelly Williams said.

Police have taken Ashworth and various witnesses in for questioning in an attempt to understand exactly how the incident could’ve occurred.

“The customer’s name was Stacey,” Ashworth explained. “Naturally I strongly considered writing ‘Staci’, or ‘Staysee’, or even just a seven followed by several dollar signs and a wild squiggle.”

At press time the cup in question had been placed in a sealed bag and sent off to various laboratories where it’s impossibly comprehensible markings will undergo further investigation.